my becoming-a-genius project, part 15! the background: to accomplish this, i'm going to work my way through the collected stories of various authors, reading + reviewing 1 story every day until i get bored / lose every single follower / am struck down by a vengeful deity. in this case, i'm out of collected stories and really want to read some fairytales but this has 150 stories in it and i will NOT be reading the same book for 5 months so...5 stories a day it is. insert sunglasses emoji. i also won't be individually rating them, because they're like 3 sentences long. PROJECT 1: THE COMPLETE STORIES BY FLANNERY O'CONNOR STORY 1: THE FROG KING, OR IRON HENRY 2: THE COMPANIONSHIP OF THE CAT AND MOUSE 3: THE VIRGIN MARY'S CHILD 4: GOOD BOWLING AND CARD PLAYING 5: THE WOLF AND THE SEVEN KIDS 6: THE NIGHTINGALE AND THE BLINDWORM 7: THE STOLEN PENNIES 8: THE HAND WITH THE KNIFE 9: THE TWELVE BROTHERS 10: RIFFRAFF 11: LITTLE BROTHER AND LITTLE SISTER 12: RAPUNZEL 13: THE THREE LITTLE MEN IN THE FOREST 14: NASTY FLAX SPINNING 15: HANSEL AND GRETEL 16: HERR FIX-IT-UP 17: THE WHITE SNAKE 18: THE JOURNEY OF THE STRAW, THE COAL, AND THE BEAN 19: THE FISHERMAN AND HIS WIFE 20: A STORY ABOUT A BRAVE TAILOR 21: CINDERELLA 22: HOW SOME CHILDREN PLAYED AT SLAUGHTERING 23: THE LITTLE MOUSE, THE LITTLE BIRD, AND THE SAUSAGE 24: MOTHER HOLLE 25: THE THREE RAVENS 26: LITTLE RED CAP 27: DEATH AND THE GOOSE BOY 28: THE SINGING BONE 29: THE DEVIL WITH THE THREE GOLDEN HAIRS 30: LITTLE LOUSE AND LITTLE FLEA 31: MAIDEN WITHOUT HANDS 32: CLEVER HANS 33: PUSS IN BOOTS 34: HANS'S TRINA 35: THE SPARROW AND HIS FOUR CHILDREN
i have decided to become a genius.
PROJECT 2: HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES BY CARMEN MARIA MACHADO
PROJECT 3: 18 BEST STORIES BY EDGAR ALLAN POE
PROJECT 4: THE LOTTERY AND OTHER STORIES BY SHIRLEY JACKSON
PROJECT 5: HOW LONG 'TIL BLACK FUTURE MONTH? BY N.K. JEMISIN
PROJECT 6: THE SHORT STORIES OF OSCAR WILDE BY OSCAR WILDE
PROJECT 7: THE BLUE FAIRY BOOK BY ANDREW LANG
PROJECT 8: GRAND UNION: STORIES BY ZADIE SMITH
PROJECT 9: THE BEST OF ROALD DAHL BY ROALD DAHL
PROJECT 10: LOVE AND FREINDSHIP BY JANE AUSTEN
PROJECT 11: HOMESICK FOR ANOTHER WORLD BY OTTESSA MOSHFEGH
PROJECT 12: BAD FEMINIST BY ROXANE GAY
PROJECT 12.5: DIFFICULT WOMEN BY ROXANE GAY
PROJECT 13: THE SHORT NOVELS OF JOHN STEINBECK
PROJECT 14: FIRST PERSON SINGULAR BY HARUKI MURAKAMI
PROJECT 15: THE ORIGINAL FOLK AND FAIRY TALES OF THE BROTHERS GRIMM
personally i'd rather be called the frog king. sounds cooler.
ben and jerry!
wait. tom and jerry is the cat and mouse. ben and jerry is the ice cream. i am a fool.
the virgin mary plays a real rumpelstiltskin role in this one.
sounds like my kinda night!
minus what turns out to be a beating-cats-to-death part. can't win em all.
kids as in goats. what a twist.
me standing next to my pretty friends.
just kidding. i'm pretty and i don't have friends :)
ghost story!!!!!!!
gotta love the stories that are no moral, just suffering.
evil mother-in-law. a classic.
great word.
so many kings hunting in so many forests and finding so many beautiful maidens to be dazzled by.
in this version, the prince climbs up rapunzel's hair to get her pregnant.
more realistic.
this is almost exactly the same as little brother and little sister. and not just because they both have little in the title.
the moral of this story is that only ugly people should have to work.
i know this gingerbread house is about to make me so hungry.
yuuuum. roof made of cake.
this book is fond of the phrase "a thousand million," which makes me fond of it.
gotta love when back to back stories are exactly the same.
this one has an alternate ending to itself right in the text. life hack.
the first sentence of this includes both the phrase "once upon a time" and the equally beloved and oft-used "lived in a piss pot."
a more straightforward title than "the brave little tailor."
it's the same, though, except it ends with "[The rest of this story is missing.]" another ending hack!
heavy hitter alert!
there are 5 characters in this story and the body count of this story is 5.
i've said it before and i'll say it again: tag yourself.
this describes someone as "like the Cinderella of the house." meta.
a lamer east of the sun, west of the moon.
in this version the wolf is described as gobbling up the "fat chunks" of little red. disturbing in and of itself.
so many chances to tag yourself, so little time.
why are any murders unsolved? just make the bones into mouthpieces for your instruments and they'll tell you what happened?
gotta love when all the heroism is done by an uncredited woman.
read that as "louise" the first 3 times.
pretty good album name.
this ends by saying God protect us from geese. and it's right to say it.
shrek fans activate.
"Hans's Trina was lazy and didn't want to do any work." and who can blame her?
this is about a group of birds who like...REALLY love god.
36: THE LITTLE MAGIC TABLE, THE GOLDEN DONKEY, AND THE CLUB IN THE SACK
what more do you need in this life?
37: THE TABLECLOTH, THE KNAPSACK, THE CANNON HAT, AND THE HORN
sensing a theme here...
38: MRS. FOX
fingers crossed she's fantastic.
39: THE ELVES
this is three stories, just about the kind of stuff that elves get up to.
40: THE ROBBER BRIDEGROOM
this is about a princess who watches her grandmother's murder and then carries her chopped-off finger for 24 hours for threat reasons. it's good.
41: HERR KORBES
the classic story of a group of animals and inanimate objects who take a trip to visit some dude and then kill him because he was kinda late.
42: THE GODFATHER
coppola, explain!
43: THE STRANGE FEAST
this has: two sausages who are best friends; a violent sausage who is a "blood sausage"; the most important character referred to as "someone - I don't know who it was." a goddamn masterpiece.
44: GODFATHER DEATH
if you guessed that this would slightly more badass but deeply similar to the godfather, you'd be right.
45: THE WANDERING OF THUMBLING, THE TAILOR'S SON
thumbelina is cooler.
46: FITCHER'S BIRD
screaming that this bluebeard-type story contains the transition phrase "Back at his place,"
47: THE JUNIPER TREE
this is about a mom who gets so excited to have a baby that she spontaneously dies, and then a stepmother who accidentally kills said baby and then frames her kid for the murder, and dines on a soup made of the body and flavored by the tears of the framed killer.
48: OLD SULTAN
sultan is a dog's name. bet you didn't see that one coming.
49: THE SIX SWANS
if there's one thing fairytales love almost as much as kings finding hot girls in the woods, it's 6 brothers turning into birds.
50: BRIAR ROSE
classic check!
51: THE FOUNDLING
every story should end like this: "They were very happy, and if they haven't died, they're still alive."
52: KING THRUSHBEARD
i always think that women are right and men are wrong, and this story (in which the punishment for a girl making a joke about a man's chin is years of poverty, mockery, starvation, and suffering) only proves i'm right.
53: LITTLE SNOW WHITE
the first story i felt obligated to tweet about.
54: SIMPLE HANS
crazy how some things never change. like we still determine paternity by giving a kid a lemon and sending him to church and whoever he hands it to is his dad.
55: RUMPELSTILTSKIN
my favorite creepy little goblin creature <3
56: SWEETHEART ROLAND
maybe it's just me, but i think if a guy turns his girlfriend into a rock and forgets about her he shouldn't get to marry her.
57: THE GOLDEN BIRD
one single golden feather was worth more than this bozo's whole kingdom. sounds like a real sh*thole.
58: LOYAL GODFATHER SPARROW
gotta admire a story that's like 60% death threats.
59: PRINCE SWAN
this is #1 with a bullet in the Most Confusing rankings.
60: THE GOLDEN EGG
this is a "fragment," which is a nice way of saying it's short and doesn't have an ending.
61: THE TAILOR WHO SOON BECAME RICH
eat the tailor.
62: BLUEBEARD
bluebeard!!! i love this freak!
63: THE GOLDEN CHILDREN
turn your name into a fairytale title! just start with "THE GOLDEN" and put any word at all after that.
64: THE SIMPLETON
finally, some representation.
65: ALL FUR
"I am nothing and am good for nothing except for having boots thrown at my head."
new catchphrase alert.
66: HURLEBURLEBUTZ
if anyone's looking for name ideas.
67: THE KING WITH THE LION
if you're allowed to wish for anything you want, a pretty badass option is "11 clones."
68: THE SUMMER AND THE WINTER GARDEN
this is literally, exactly, top to bottom beauty and the beast.
69: JORINDA AND JORINGEL
we are rich in potential baby names.
70: OKERLO
i cannot do this one, which includes cannibals and screwball comedy and conveniently placed 7 mile boots that only walk 1 mile and hairdos made of butter, justice.
71: PRINCESS MOUSESKIN
the baby name jokes are too easy.
72: THE PEAR REFUSED TO FALL
this is...the worst song of all time.
73: THE CASTLE OF MURDER
if my new husband were going to move me into a place called "the castle of murder," i would simply refuse to go. no offense to this girl but i'm different.
74: JOHANNES WATERSPRING AND CASPAR WATERSPRING
gotta love a water feature-based immaculate conception.
75: THE BIRD PHOENIX
bit redundant.
76: THE CARNATION
the beautiful princess in this is named Lisa.
77: THE CARPENTER AND THE TURNER
suddenly i want to reread alice.
78: THE OLD GRANDFATHER AND THE GRANDSON
a nice little tale of elder abuse.
79: THE WATER NIXIE
nixie goes to church!!!!!
i have been eagerly anticipating this since emma told me of it in the comments, and it lived up to my internal hype.
80: THE DEATH OF LITTLE HEN
this story is called the death of little hen, but in fact everyone who appears in this story dies.
81: THE BLACKSMITH AND THE DEVIL
if you suck so bad even hell doesn't want you, you can go to heaven.
82: THE THREE SISTERS
imagine having three daughters and managing to sell ALL of them into matrimony with a different wild animal.
83: THE POOR MAIDEN
if you give all your clothes away and live as a nudist you'll be rewarded in wealth.
84: THE MOTHER-IN-LAW
you probably love your mother in law
85: FRAGMENTS
aaaaand there's the anti-semitism.
86: THE FOX AND THE GEESE
"Then he laughed and said, 'Ho, I've come at just the right moment.'" 😈
87: THE POOR MAN AND THE RICH MAN
volume 2 baby! skipping the preface because obviously.
88: THE SINGING, SPRINGING LARK
an exact mix of beauty and the beast and east of the sun, west of the moon. all-star pairing.
89: THE GOOSE GIRL
the real moral of this story is that if you treat your employees so poorly that switching places with them is a horrific curse, then you deserve it.
90: THE YOUNG GIANT
pretty good band.
91: THE GNOME
my favorite way to travel is playing a flute that was hanging on my wall and for every note i play another gnome comes and then each gnome grabs a strand of my hair and flies to my destination.
92: THE KING OF THE GOLDEN MOUNTAIN
i'm getting real tired of people "lousing" each other.
93: THE RAVEN
nevermore?
94: THE CLEVER FARMER'S DAUGHTER
i also think that the most romantic thing your spouse can do for you is some light kidnapping.
95: THE GENIE IN THE GLASS
wish i'd read this story years ago, so i'd know that you're supposed to pay off your student loans by turning steel into silver with a magic band-aid.
96: THE THREE LITTLE BIRDS
seems like telling fairytale readers that if they hit a dog in the face it'll turn into a handsome prince is a bad idea? but what do i know.
97: THE WATER OF LIFE
back to back stories where the protagonist's two siblings are the villains. i gotta watch out for my sisters.
98: DOCTOR KNOW-IT-ALL
amazing burn.
99: THE FROG PRINCE
the princess in this sleeps with a frog in exchange for a nice glass of water.
100: THE DEVIL'S SOOTY BROTHER
"The soldier looked so dreadful, even more frightening than a scarecrow."
did a crow write this?
101: THE DEVIL IN THE GREEN COAT
the devil was living in the grimm brothers' heads rent free.
102: THE WREN AND THE BEAR
this involves birds going on hunger strike for compliments, which i respect immensely.
103: THE SWEET PORRIDGE
imagine loving oatmeal so much you write a fairytale about it.
104: THE FAITHFUL ANIMALS
the REAL magic is the redistribution of wealth.
105: TALES ABOUT TOADS
f*ck. yes.
106: THE POOR MILLER'S APPRENTICE AND THE CAT
it's a 20-story day, folks.
107: THE CROWS
horror movie check!
108: HANS MY HEDGEHOG
a half hedgehog half boy who plays the bagpipes.
109: THE LITTLE SHROUD
this shows how important is is, when your child dies, to just shut up about it.
110: THE JEW IN THE THORNBUSH
somehow even more anti-semitic than i expected.
111: THE EXPERT HUNTSMAN
imagine carrying 3 giant tongues in your backpack for months.
112: THE FLESHING FLAIL FROM HEAVEN
what the hell is a fleshing flail?
113: THE CHILDREN OF THE TWO KINGS
gay dads???
114: THE CLEVER LITTLE TAILOR
déjà vu.
115: THE BRIGHT SUN WILL BRING IT TO LIGHT
more anti-semitism. but at least it's like...not okay in this one?
116: THE BLUE LIGHT
i'm not jealous. i have multiple items that emit blue light.
117: THE STUBBORN CHILD
when a child is stubborn he deserves to die, and his mom will beat his corpse up.
118: THE THREE ARMY SURGEONS
turns out surgery is just rubbing salve on stuff.
119: THE LAZY ONE AND THE INDUSTRIOUS ONE
if you're lazy, you'll be turned into a raven and then you'll die because no one will kiss a lazy bird.
120: THE THREE JOURNEYMEN
journeymen are the old timey version of travel bloggers.
121: THE HEAVENLY WEDDING
say it with me, jacob and wilhelm: RELIGIOUS PROPAGANDA IS NOT A FAIRYTALE.
122: THE LONG NOSE
hate when the evil princess loses in the end.
123: THE OLD WOMAN IN THE FOREST
i wish i had a tree boyfriend.
124: THE THREE BROTHERS
maybe the most boring story so far.
125: THE DEVIL AND HIS GRANDMOTHER
okay so i'm obsessed with the concept of satan's nana.
126: FAITHFUL FERDINAND AND UNFAITHFUL FERDINAND
when you don't wanna marry someone, just cut their head off and be like oops, no take backs, i can't put it back.
127: THE IRON STOVE
the repetition is starting to get to me.
128: THE LAZY SPINNER
this story, about a woman who hides in the woods and speaks in rhyme about the wickedness of work so her husband will overhear and be too spooked out to make her do it, is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
129: THE LION AND THE FROG
these siblings love each other a little too much. that's all i'll say.
130: THE SOLDIER AND THE CARPENTER
this soldier was very enthusiastic about killing three innocent animals.
131: PRETTY KATRINELYA AND PIF-PAF-POLTREE
90% sure i've seen this title before in a white woman's twin name idea tiktok.
132: THE FOX AND THE HORSE
charlie mackesy stolen valor.
133: THE WORN-OUT DANCING SHOES
barbie was right. the twelve dancing princesses is a much better title.
134: THE SIX SERVANTS
this is a fairytale based purely on the various forms of body shaming.
135: THE WHITE BRIDE AND THE BLACK BRIDE
i got a bad feeling about this one.
136: THE WILD MAN
the finest gift you can give someone is chicken stuffed with money.
137: THE THREE BLACK PRINCESSES
another new catchphrase: "You cursed dog, our blood shall cry out for vengeance!"
138: KNOIST AND HIS THREE SONS
started with a naked man and ended with a religious verse. keeping me on my toes.
139: THE MAIDEN FROM BRAKEL
anyone who calls a saint a stupid brat in a church is a friend of mine.
140: THE DOMESTIC SERVANTS
two servants who both have husbands named Chain and babies named Scab.
141: LITTLE LAMB AND LITTLE FISH
little lamb is one of my dog's 57 nicknames!
142: SESAME MOUNTAIN
as in open, sesame, or as in bagel, sesame?
update: open.
update: i'm disappointed.
143: THE CHILDREN OF FAMINE
religious suicide for kids!
144: THE LITTLE DONKEY
this is the same as hans my hedgehog, but worse.
145: THE UNGRATEFUL SON
men, am i right?
146: THE TURNIP
the genius character in this is an astrology girl.
147: THE REJUVENATED LITTLE OLD MAN
this is from title to end incredible.
148: THE ANIMALS OF THE LORD AND THE DEVIL
god created all animals except goats, which are evil.
149: THE BEAM
GIRLS. ARE. ALWAYS. RIGHT.
150: THE OLD BEGGAR WOMAN
this is scarier than any serial killer episode of any tv show.
151: THE THREE LAZY SONS
me and the word limit are fighting. and it's violent. and i'm losing.
152: SAINT SOLICITOUS
sainted bearded virgin woman.
153: THE TALE ABOUT THE LAND OF co*ckAIGNE
hehe. "co*ckaigne." heh.
154: THE TALL TALE FROM DITMARSH
i have now edited, reformatted, and pared down this review 3 times. don't say i've never done anything for you.
i mean, this is maybe for me.
155: A TALE WITH A RIDDLE
i love a riddle!!!
wait this isn't a riddle. it's an answer.
i'm suing the grimms. fairytale descendants: watch your backs
156: THE GOLDEN KEY
this is the end of the book, which means this WHOLE THING ends with us waiting to see what is revealed when a boy who is about to freeze to death finds a key and finishes unlocking the casket he just dug up.
OVERALL
this was the weirdest thing ever, but it was almost always fun, and for that: 3.5 rounded up!
